I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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