Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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