Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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