Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
