Sponge bath it is.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
