i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
