I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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