Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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