I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
