i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
