coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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