if you like me you must not know who I am
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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