No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
