Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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