I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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