how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
