Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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