Pants 0. Shit 1.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
