i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
