i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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