I wish I only lived at night.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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