how can u be prego again
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
