I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
