I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
