ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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