I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
