Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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