So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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