I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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