Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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