All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
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I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
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if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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