i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
