I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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