You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
