dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I need a beard to bite.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
