I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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