I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
