I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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