That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
