The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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