So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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