i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
