sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
and she was petting her beer can
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
