I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
