My friends, they love my intelligence
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My pussy is not your playground.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
is wine microwaveable?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
