A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
