i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
