my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
