when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
