cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
