The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
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Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
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Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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