This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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