there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
