My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
