Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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